When we care about people, we want to save them from pain by offering them the benefit of our experience. Sometimes we feel like we know what is best for them. We may even find ourselves becoming angry when they choose another path.
First, we need to keep in mind that each of us is on our own path and remind ourselves that our relationships are mirrors that allow us to see ourselves more clearly in the reflection. That is why it is easier for us to see solutions to other people's problems than to see answers for our own.
My Thoughts:
There seems to be so many charities and initiatives ongoing with regards to ‘helping’ others, that it is often hard to know which most warrant support. They all have their own merits, yet there will always be some that resonate more than others.
The ones that seem to rattle my cage are those that try to railroad people into situations that come across as more about the kudos of the help rather than the outcomes for the individuals.
The aim to get people off the streets, for example. Providing them accomodation and getting them back into the rat-race of benefits and work, is a really worthy cause, however the options available often seem to them worse than anything that put them in a homeless position in the first place.
Hostels often have curfews that stipulate a time restriction on evening activities, or they will be locked out, drug users have to be clean and stay clean in order to stay in some places, there are often no alcohol regulation, no pets allowed, and guests have to be signed-in and verified before they are allowed to visit. These do not on the face of it seem like bad things, and they do have the best possible intentions behind them, but for someone that has been living rough, was their own boss, an addict, and saw the other street people as family, these rules can all be overwhelming constraints. Many go back to what they know, simply because the pressure of conformity is too great. They often feel that rather than being saved from a dire situation, they are forced into a life they do not want. These observations are from first-hand experience through association with just a few people who, once placed back in the system just couldn’t cope.
The key to helping anyone successfully is to ask them what they need, and not give them what we think would be best for them.
Ask me …
I sit in my ivory tower watching the world go by
But the world doesn’t know me, or know my reasons why
The tower is my security with doors to keep people out
Those that want to interfere despite my silent shout
If you really want to make a difference, and of that you have no doubt
Take a while to get to know me, discover what I am really all about
Don’t come to me with solutions designed to solve things instantly
Don’t tell me what I really need. Ask me, what I want for me
I might not need the funding, the equipment or your do-gooding whine
I might just need companionship, your patience, or more importantly … your time
Lee Montgomery-Hughes © 2019 (All Rights Reserved)