The Weight of Glory – C. S. Lewis
Apparently, there are five main stages to go through when you encounter death. They are widely regarded as the common framework that must be endured after a life is lost before coming to terms with it. There is however no universal way to deal with each step.
The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.
Denial
Everything becomes meaningless, nothing in the rest of the world matters. Shock kicks in. Life no longer makes any sense. Getting through each minute, each hour, each day is inconceivable. There is often a complete shut-down, especially if a death was unexpected or traumatic. Everything is numb.
Anger
At the loss, at the cause of the death or the circumstances surrounding it, and often at the one who died. The feeling of abandonment, the enforced uncertainty of the future or the worry about how to cope without them.
Bargaining
If the death is predicted then there is a overwhelming desire to take their place, to go instead of them, to promise the world just to have them live. After the death, every thought turns to what if … what if we’d known sooner, what if I’d been more attentive etc. which is followed closely by if only … if only I’d have done things differently, and the list goes on. The guilt triggers a need to find fault with ourselves, to live in the past, to take the blame.
Depression
The empty void that life cannot ever have the right to be bearable any more. Withdrawing from everyday situations, from friends and relatives. A sadness so deep that it doesn’t seem possible to carry on. Yearning and searching, imagining catching glimpses of them, hearing familiar sound only associated with them, feeling their touch or their smell.
Unable to sleep, and dominated by lucid dreams when sleep does come, either pleasant or disturbing. There can be a loss in confidence. Difficulty in accepting the new life now presented. Lethargy, crying, restlessness, loss of concentration, unable to get motivated even with the things at are important. There is no point, no point in getting out of bed, no point in housekeeping, no point in eating … no point to anything anymore.
Acceptance
This is not about being okay, but a recognition of this enforced reality. Living again in the present, moving-on with life and gradually not feeling betrayal at doing so. Learning to speak about memories with fondness, even though they will still cause upset, being able to remember the good times and smile even though it still hurts inside, and allowing them to always be part of your subconscious.
The main problem is that these stages do not simply follow each other. It is not a process by which you come out the other end having served your time. They are constantly interchangeable having you flit between them or plunging you right back to the beginning stimulated by the slightest reminder.
Unfortunately, there is just no time-limit to grief.